How many times do us regular folks get to utter “Well, if you don’t hear from me it’s because I’ll be out of the country for a few weeks.” Well, I finally did, and it was glorious.
Do you really care what my itinerary was? Probably not unless you’re planning on going there soon. I think if you’ve ever seen even one picture of Italy you can gather that it’s an absolutely gorgeous place. The climate is perfect, the views are stunning whether you’re by sea or landlocked, etc. SO, instead I thought I would highlight observations I took while there. The good, the bad, the Italy. Basically, a list of things that I found to be foreign to my American ways.
Do you really care what my itinerary was? Probably not unless you’re planning on going there soon. I think if you’ve ever seen even one picture of Italy you can gather that it’s an absolutely gorgeous place. The climate is perfect, the views are stunning whether you’re by sea or landlocked, etc. SO, instead I thought I would highlight observations I took while there. The good, the bad, the Italy. Basically, a list of things that I found to be foreign to my American ways.
HISTORY- Sure, we got Ben Franklin and Pocahontas, but our country is the zygote to Italy’s middle aged man. They have some seriously impressive history. I walked on the same exact stones that pave the same exact road where Caesars walked 2,000 years ago. Or how about a rat pack of geniuses like Da Vinci, Michelangelo or Galileo, who brought the world out of the Dark Ages into the Renaissance years before we even got around to raping and pillaging the inhabitants of America. I mean for God’s sakes our country is actually named after an Italian.
COFFEE- If you ask for coffee, you’re getting espresso. That’s fine with me. But if you want what we consider coffee, it’s literally called “Café Americano”. Ha. However, amazing upgrade- They give you heated cream instead of cold H&H. Grazie Italianos. Stranger still- you don’t get your coffee to go. You go into a place, order it, and since it’s about a thimble’s worth of liquid, you just drink it standing at the counter out of a cup and saucer.
LANGUAGE- Anyone under 40 can speak fluent English. Many speak better English than most Americans.
TRAIN- We took a total of about 16 train rides, ranging in length from 5 minutes to 5 hours. Our tickets were actually checked about 6 times. I’m talking NO staff. I could have went on a bloody rampage through a few cars, and the conductor wouldn’t have been none the wiser. You are eerily on your own on Italy’s train cars.
As an added bonus, you can get really fancy and get first class tickets like we did at the suggestion of our travel agent. What you get in return is different upholstery and a #1 on the side of your train car.
BUS- Same goes for the bus. Italy has the dumbest concept of bus passes that I ever witnessed. You cannot use money on a bus. You need to buy a ticket at a Tobacco shop or a bus station. It gets better…upon entering the bus via a door in the middle of the vehicle, you are supposed to punch the ticket into a machine that time-stamps the ticket, to make the ticket unusable for future rides. By placing the machine away from the driver, people just pretend to punch it and can use the same ticket over and over again. Sorry Italian government, in a country where upwards of 30% of your residents
don’t even pay 
their taxes, you’re just begging for it. RULES-Everyone does pretty much whatever they want. Driving like they have blindfolds on, smoking in restaurants next to small children, graffiti is EVERYWHERE- You wanna graffiti that 2,000 year old wall that was so perfectly engineered that it’s stood strong, against all odds? Sure, do it Giacomo. God knows we need some kind of morphing between Italian and English curse words in hot pink bubble font. You’re so edgy!
SAVING THE PLANET- Italy doesn’t really dig this concept and it shows in their lack of recycling receptacles and their penchant for littering. I am sure many Italians would think it’s hilarious to know that there is an American out there calling them decadent and wasteful, considering you could fit 4 of their cars inside one of our SUVs, but there ya go, I said it! Italy also has a huge tourist population of Germans and Swiss Germans, who are known to be a very logical, level-headed people who see the efficiency behind recycling and oh, I dunno, not ruining the freaking earth. I’m surprised they hav
en’t started beating them with their weird German hiking sticks. TOILETS- Italy’s got em, and if you want ‘em, you better pay up. This actually doesn’t bother me one bit, because it makes you feel a touch better about going into a public restroom since they always have an employee there and a lack of guys talking to the 10 people that live in their head. There are a few unattended free restrooms, and it’s a straight up hole in the ground. Picture a BathFitter material on the ground, with a whole in the center. Well, you hover and do your best to aim well. You then shiver with fear of what kind of illness you are collecting on your sneakers.
RESTAURANTS- When you arrive, you get a menu. They won’t come back for about 10 minutes, at which point you order everything you’re going to want for the meal. There’s no “bevving” the tables, and then coming back for the order. I think their system is a win/win. I don’t want to get too attached to you Paulo, so let’s keep our exchange to a minimum for the sake of my heart. Also, when you’re done eating, they consider it rude to give you the check unless you ask for it. Everyone’s had that night when you’re enjoying that last drink, the place isn’t waiting for others to sit down, but for some reason as soon as that check arrives you feel obligated to leave soon thereafter. Not in Italy. You take your damn sweet time.
ROOM TEMPERATURE- I don’t really believe in freezing to death indoors when it’s 90 degrees outside. If it’s summer time and I am putting a sweater on while indoors, it’s set too low. So, I appreciated Italy’s indoor climate setting set at a very temperate level. Just something bearable. Speaking of bearable, this brings me to my last observation…
DEODORANT- So, Europeans shower. They bathe themselves, and even have a special cleansing mechanism that Americans don’t even have for after you use the bathroom. So then, why, WHY is it so freaking hard for you to swipe on a bit of Deodorant? I’ve had people tell me that apparently they think it’s sexy or something to have your natural odor flowing. Um, sexy for who? The black bears living the woods that can smell you from here? And what’s even the point if you’re going to cover it up with a pint of cologne?
I really liked this post. It was both hilarious and a good portrayal of the European way as seen through the eyes of an American.
ReplyDeleteI especially like your use of "Giacomo".